First off, I want to thank this lady for tagging me. She's an amazing person and I am truly lucky to have gotten to know her over the past year.
The rules:
A) Choose a minimum of 7 blogs that you find brilliant in content or design. Alright, so I'm still pretty new - not sure if I'm going to tag anyone yet but I'll play along :)
B) Show the 7 winners names and links on your blog, and leave a comment informing them that they were prized with "Honest Scrap." Well, there's no prize.
C) List at least 10 honest things about yourself.
1. I love Domino's pizza. Why is this honest? Because I am from Chicago, and people from Chicago generally snub chain pizzerias because, well, Chicago is known for its pizza. But I still love it, always have and always will. It doesn't replace some of my hometown faves, but it's a different kind of love - sort of like Taco Bell. It's not really Mexican, but it's still good stuff.
2. Most days I feel like I have no idea what I am doing or how the hell I got here. It's like I got wrapped up in this life and it just kept gaining momentum and carried me away. It's not a bad thing, I just don't feel like I deserve a lot of the good things that have happened to me. I guess it's just plain dumb luck.
3. I have the sense of humor of an 8 year old boy. Farts = funny. People falling down = funny. One of my best friends accidentally discharging 2-pam through her thumb = tears in my eyes. (I still feel badly for laughing at you, but my god, it was funny...) My brother having an undescended testicle for the first week of his life and no one telling him about it until a Dr. discovered a hernia = almost-wet-my-pants hilarious. (Note: I didn't laugh at him when he or my mom told me, I was able to maintain my composure until I got off the phone). Am I evil? I don't think so...I just like to laugh at people :) And trust me, I laugh at myself. I do a lot of really stupid things, it would be a waste to not laugh at myself.
4. When I see any animal that has been hit by the side of the road, it makes me sad. When I see homeless people, I feel badly for them and wondered how they got there. I try to pretend like most things don't bother me most of the time, but they do. I'm super sensitive.
5. I love sleep. I love sleep so very much, it's my absolute favorite. Unfortunately this guy likes to "do stuff" all the time, which impinges on my sleepy time.
6. When I get really cranky, it's usually because I feel like I'm not good enough (I need to lose weight, I suck at my job, I'm not smart enough, I can't paint, etc.)...and I take it out on others. Mostly the gentleman referenced above, but luckily he's even keeled and very sweet, and puts up with my moods.
7. I hate eggs and mayonnaise. I think that they are both disgusting in smell, consistency and taste. I have finally gotten to the point where if I accidentally get mayo on my food at a restaurant I can still eat it. Which is a good thing, because I really hate to be 'that girl' that returns food. But if I accidentally get egg on a breakfast sandwich, I toss it. Luckily I don't eat breakfast out that often, so it's not a huge life problem of mine.
8. I'm pretty sarcastic in person, and I think sometimes people think I am serious. No, I don't really think I am awesome. And no, I don't think that 12 hour work day was great. It's sarcasm, and yes, I can dead-pan, it doesn't mean that what I am saying is what I actually mean. Sarcasm is a little more difficult in writing though...so if something sounds off, probably sarcasm.
9. I like my dogs more than I like most people. Which isn't saying anything really, because my dogs have unconditional love for me and think I am the best thing since Beggin Strips. And I like that they love me so much, I'm not going to lie. Maybe if you got so excited every time you saw me that you wagged your whole body I'd like you, too.
10. I have always had a crush on Conan O'Brien. More so when he was still somewhat new and pretty quirky. I think my new crushes are Steven Colbert & Joel McHale, but really, who doesn't love those guys? I guess if I am being honest, I should say I have a girl crush, too. It's Jennifer Aniston.
Alright, that's 10. I'm exhausted from all this truthiness.
Friday, January 30, 2009
Friday, January 23, 2009
Texas
I've been in Texas for the week for work. I used to live in Texas, not by choice, but nonetheless I lived here for about 2 years. When I lived in TX, I could not wait to get out. I lived in Del Rio, which is about 3 hours west of San Antonio. Didn't think there was anything west of San Antonio? Well, you are correct! I was in the middle of no where, and the town was fondly referred to as 'Hell Rio' and 'Del Crappo'.
But there were good things about living in Del Rio, and here's a few in case you were curious:
- It was the first time J and I lived together since we were together, and also since we had been married. Unfortunately, we also worked together. Which, no matter how good your relationship is (and we have a good one) is trying at times.
- I adopted 3 pets, mostly because I had nothing better to do and I *love* animals. I'm pretty sure the only reason J went along with it is because he was bored, too. Otherwise we would have just had fish.
- I was in the best shape of my life. I worked out every morning, either running or doing the elliptical for 45 minutes. Every night I went on a 3 mile walk.
- I started clipping coupons. We'd get the Sunday paper and just clip away! For three months we got free cat food just from clipping out of the Sunday paper. I love coupons now - I know it makes me seem old, but whatever!
- I had a tan (well, tan for me is a healthy color for normal people). Not because I tried, but because it was SW Texas, and if you spend any time outside you get some color.
- We made some good friends, that we would drink and play poker with on the weekends. These were the kinds of friends who you could ask to watch your pets if you were going out of town, borrow their car, lend you a hand moving, walk into your house whenever. We were pretty tight, I think it might have been the shared boredom, but I miss them.
- There was no traffic. Although the van that had no driver slowly rolling across the Walmart parking lot was pretty scary, I sometimes think that that unattended, moving van was safer than some of the drivers in the metro DC area.
- I spent like *no* money. We lived on base, and there was nothing to buy and no where to go. In fact, I forgot my debit card pin number for a week because I hadn't used it in so long. Luckily, it came to me one day and I was able to buy a churro.
- Dairy Queen and Sonic. I think that's self explanatory.
Although I was not looking forward to this trip, because of ridiculously long work days and the overall being in Texas thing, it certainly reminded me that every cloud has a silver lining. I am glad I had my time in Texas for the above reasons, but it also reminds me that I am grateful to live somewhere now where my weekends consist of more than a trip to Walmart, and possibly dinner at Chili's.
But there were good things about living in Del Rio, and here's a few in case you were curious:
- It was the first time J and I lived together since we were together, and also since we had been married. Unfortunately, we also worked together. Which, no matter how good your relationship is (and we have a good one) is trying at times.
- I adopted 3 pets, mostly because I had nothing better to do and I *love* animals. I'm pretty sure the only reason J went along with it is because he was bored, too. Otherwise we would have just had fish.
- I was in the best shape of my life. I worked out every morning, either running or doing the elliptical for 45 minutes. Every night I went on a 3 mile walk.
- I started clipping coupons. We'd get the Sunday paper and just clip away! For three months we got free cat food just from clipping out of the Sunday paper. I love coupons now - I know it makes me seem old, but whatever!
- I had a tan (well, tan for me is a healthy color for normal people). Not because I tried, but because it was SW Texas, and if you spend any time outside you get some color.
- We made some good friends, that we would drink and play poker with on the weekends. These were the kinds of friends who you could ask to watch your pets if you were going out of town, borrow their car, lend you a hand moving, walk into your house whenever. We were pretty tight, I think it might have been the shared boredom, but I miss them.
- There was no traffic. Although the van that had no driver slowly rolling across the Walmart parking lot was pretty scary, I sometimes think that that unattended, moving van was safer than some of the drivers in the metro DC area.
- I spent like *no* money. We lived on base, and there was nothing to buy and no where to go. In fact, I forgot my debit card pin number for a week because I hadn't used it in so long. Luckily, it came to me one day and I was able to buy a churro.
- Dairy Queen and Sonic. I think that's self explanatory.
Although I was not looking forward to this trip, because of ridiculously long work days and the overall being in Texas thing, it certainly reminded me that every cloud has a silver lining. I am glad I had my time in Texas for the above reasons, but it also reminds me that I am grateful to live somewhere now where my weekends consist of more than a trip to Walmart, and possibly dinner at Chili's.
Friday, January 9, 2009
I'm that person
I have been out of the office at a conference for the past day and a half. First off, the conference was intense and overwhelming to say the least. It was aimed at driving a strategic policy that is a) way over my head at this point in my career and b) expected to be part of my job. So I was a bit frazzled. I think I handled the bulk of it well, but when everyone in the room has a good 20 years over you...well, that's initimidating. Not to mention the fact that most of the people in the room are able to dismantle bombs, while I can't even figure out how to replace the razor cartridge on my Venus.
I was able to get back to the office late yesterday afternoon, after a lunch with some peeps I used to know. It was great to be able to talk to people on the same wavelength (and age group), and I felt better about my conference in general. Anyway, back to the office. So it's around 2:30 by the time I sat my butt down in my cozy cubicle. (which, by the by, it's like 108 degrees in here everyday, so I think we should call it a melticle or something that doesn't allude to being frigid). My division is nestled in another division, which we really have nothing in common with and no reason to be colocated with. No one said a word to me for the remainder of the day. No - 'Hey, where have you been?' 'Hi, how are you?' 'Can you pass me that fax?' 'Do you smell that?' Not a word, not a grunt, not a look. I felt like that episode of Friends where whoever the guy is who used to play George Costanza played an office worker threatening suicide, and no one paid attention. Except Phoebe, who was a telemarketer, and tried to help him. Yeah...I felt like that guy! I didn't realize how very little I interact with others in my office throughout the day.
I'm starting to feel like I am an island over here. But truth be told, listening to these people converse, I'm not sure I'd fit in or want to be a part of their group. I am not a Republican who considers the president elect a communist who will ruin the country. When someone announces the birth of a baby, I don't compare that to my cat. I don't speak in a monotone. I have not yet gone through either menopause or male pattern baldness.
I wish I had a coworker my age, because I could seriously use a beer-thirty today. Except instead of beer, I'd substitute a flavored martini that would help me feel warm, fuzzy and generally jovial the entire metro ride home. Have a great weekend everyone!
I was able to get back to the office late yesterday afternoon, after a lunch with some peeps I used to know. It was great to be able to talk to people on the same wavelength (and age group), and I felt better about my conference in general. Anyway, back to the office. So it's around 2:30 by the time I sat my butt down in my cozy cubicle. (which, by the by, it's like 108 degrees in here everyday, so I think we should call it a melticle or something that doesn't allude to being frigid). My division is nestled in another division, which we really have nothing in common with and no reason to be colocated with. No one said a word to me for the remainder of the day. No - 'Hey, where have you been?' 'Hi, how are you?' 'Can you pass me that fax?' 'Do you smell that?' Not a word, not a grunt, not a look. I felt like that episode of Friends where whoever the guy is who used to play George Costanza played an office worker threatening suicide, and no one paid attention. Except Phoebe, who was a telemarketer, and tried to help him. Yeah...I felt like that guy! I didn't realize how very little I interact with others in my office throughout the day.
I'm starting to feel like I am an island over here. But truth be told, listening to these people converse, I'm not sure I'd fit in or want to be a part of their group. I am not a Republican who considers the president elect a communist who will ruin the country. When someone announces the birth of a baby, I don't compare that to my cat. I don't speak in a monotone. I have not yet gone through either menopause or male pattern baldness.
I wish I had a coworker my age, because I could seriously use a beer-thirty today. Except instead of beer, I'd substitute a flavored martini that would help me feel warm, fuzzy and generally jovial the entire metro ride home. Have a great weekend everyone!
Tuesday, December 23, 2008
Housewifey with a houseknifey...
I am starting a 5 day break today at 5pm, and anytime I have a lot of time off I am reminded of my attempt at housewifery, and why I will always have a job.
When I got out of the military, I had 4 weeks off - paid by using some of the leave I had saved up during my 4 years - before I started my new job. I didn't have a whole lot of money, seeing as I was relocating from Del Rio, TX to Washington, DC and adjusting to the cost of living, renting a house, buying work clothes, etc. So travel was not an option, otherwise I would have been long gone, at the very least, visiting family. Nonetheless, I was looking forward to 4 weeks off to do as I pleased, relax and all in all be peaceful. Well, that didn't work out as planned. This is the 4 weeks off at home, as I remember the experience.
Week 1: Wake up at 0730. Get paper. Drink a glass of water. Walk dogs on a nice, long walk through the neighborhood, stopping to chit chat with friendly neighbors. Come home, read paper, drink coffee. Shower. Eat light lunch. Go to store/organize house/clean/do yardwork. Begin baking something - either muffins, cookies, cake or bread. Finish baking. Start dinner for husband. Husband comes home, eat dinner together. Hang out with husband, go to bed.
Week 2: Wake up at 0900. Slurp coffee. Walk dogs on abbreviated walk, waving at friendly neighbors. Eat sandwich, peruse paper. Shower. Either go to store, organize house, clean or yardwork. Watch TV for awhile. Start dinner. Husband comes home, eat dinner together, drink some wine. Hang out with husband, drinking more wine. Go to bed.
Week 3: Wake up at 1000. Drink coffee. Let dogs out in backyard. Read paper while eating chips and salsa for breakfast/lunch and dripping on paper. Shower. Watch TV. Do laundry or something to not look like a complete good-for-nothing. Make something quick for dinner while drinking. Leave plate out for husband for when he comes home. Drink wine while he eats. Watch more TV. Go to bed.
Week 4: Wake up whenever. Let dogs out in yard. Watch TV and drink coffee. Screw the paper, no need for the new neighbors to see me in this state. Eat tortilla because it's there and requires no effort. Watch more TV. Shower. Tell husband he can make himself a sandwich, I'm too tired and who does he think I am anyway - a maid/personal chef? Drink wine. Stumble to bed/sleep on couch.
Cheers to those who can be productive and happy without the structure of work. I will never be able to be one of you. And if I ever decide to be a housewife, my husband said he'd leave me.
When I got out of the military, I had 4 weeks off - paid by using some of the leave I had saved up during my 4 years - before I started my new job. I didn't have a whole lot of money, seeing as I was relocating from Del Rio, TX to Washington, DC and adjusting to the cost of living, renting a house, buying work clothes, etc. So travel was not an option, otherwise I would have been long gone, at the very least, visiting family. Nonetheless, I was looking forward to 4 weeks off to do as I pleased, relax and all in all be peaceful. Well, that didn't work out as planned. This is the 4 weeks off at home, as I remember the experience.
Week 1: Wake up at 0730. Get paper. Drink a glass of water. Walk dogs on a nice, long walk through the neighborhood, stopping to chit chat with friendly neighbors. Come home, read paper, drink coffee. Shower. Eat light lunch. Go to store/organize house/clean/do yardwork. Begin baking something - either muffins, cookies, cake or bread. Finish baking. Start dinner for husband. Husband comes home, eat dinner together. Hang out with husband, go to bed.
Week 2: Wake up at 0900. Slurp coffee. Walk dogs on abbreviated walk, waving at friendly neighbors. Eat sandwich, peruse paper. Shower. Either go to store, organize house, clean or yardwork. Watch TV for awhile. Start dinner. Husband comes home, eat dinner together, drink some wine. Hang out with husband, drinking more wine. Go to bed.
Week 3: Wake up at 1000. Drink coffee. Let dogs out in backyard. Read paper while eating chips and salsa for breakfast/lunch and dripping on paper. Shower. Watch TV. Do laundry or something to not look like a complete good-for-nothing. Make something quick for dinner while drinking. Leave plate out for husband for when he comes home. Drink wine while he eats. Watch more TV. Go to bed.
Week 4: Wake up whenever. Let dogs out in yard. Watch TV and drink coffee. Screw the paper, no need for the new neighbors to see me in this state. Eat tortilla because it's there and requires no effort. Watch more TV. Shower. Tell husband he can make himself a sandwich, I'm too tired and who does he think I am anyway - a maid/personal chef? Drink wine. Stumble to bed/sleep on couch.
Cheers to those who can be productive and happy without the structure of work. I will never be able to be one of you. And if I ever decide to be a housewife, my husband said he'd leave me.
Cubicle, Oh Cubicle
I work in a cubicle farm. Lots of workers pounding away at their keyboards, efficiently working like little wind up toys. Or so the theory goes.
I sit next to the loudest woman in the world. This LWITW talks on the phone like she is yelling across the room, even when it is a normal conversation and she is actually not trying to yell at the person (although she does actually yell at people quite often). It's pretty hard to concentrate with her yelling and all, but what really takes the cake is her mispronunciation and misuse of words and common phrases. Twice I have heard her tell someone that what they were doing 'would not pass the mustard'. I am fairly certain she meant 'would not pass muster'...but now I have started saying it because I secretly make fun of it in my head so much. Someone told LWITW a joke a few weeks ago that included the phrase 'y'all', but she misunderstood and thought that they had said 'mule' so now she refers to our organization as 'the mule' - thinking it is an insider term that she now has in her vocabulary. I am such an easily influenced person when it comes to pronunciation that I fear for my own words...it's like LWITW is taking them all away from me!
One final gripe...I hate, hate, hate loud chewers/open mouth chewers. And as such, it is my lot in life to be surrounded by them wherever I go...so either a) there are a lot of loud/open mouth chewers or b) I still have really bad karma for that cat I hit 10 years ago and then buried and cried over. It's the only bad thing I have ever done (yeah...right...but it's probably one of the worst, and I still feel bad to this day for it)
Anyway, LWITW not only talks loudly, she also chews with her mouth open, smacking her food around. And she is contantly eating 'squishy' things like oranges and 'crunchy' things like apples and cookies and sucking on suckers. Who sucks on suckers - besides kids, 20 something chicks trying to be sexy, and ex-smokers? LWITW, that's who. It makes my skin crawl, I imagine that on the other side of the partition is a woman sucking the internal organs out of a chipmunk...because that is exactly what it sounds like to me.
I hope you pass the mustard today.
I sit next to the loudest woman in the world. This LWITW talks on the phone like she is yelling across the room, even when it is a normal conversation and she is actually not trying to yell at the person (although she does actually yell at people quite often). It's pretty hard to concentrate with her yelling and all, but what really takes the cake is her mispronunciation and misuse of words and common phrases. Twice I have heard her tell someone that what they were doing 'would not pass the mustard'. I am fairly certain she meant 'would not pass muster'...but now I have started saying it because I secretly make fun of it in my head so much. Someone told LWITW a joke a few weeks ago that included the phrase 'y'all', but she misunderstood and thought that they had said 'mule' so now she refers to our organization as 'the mule' - thinking it is an insider term that she now has in her vocabulary. I am such an easily influenced person when it comes to pronunciation that I fear for my own words...it's like LWITW is taking them all away from me!
One final gripe...I hate, hate, hate loud chewers/open mouth chewers. And as such, it is my lot in life to be surrounded by them wherever I go...so either a) there are a lot of loud/open mouth chewers or b) I still have really bad karma for that cat I hit 10 years ago and then buried and cried over. It's the only bad thing I have ever done (yeah...right...but it's probably one of the worst, and I still feel bad to this day for it)
Anyway, LWITW not only talks loudly, she also chews with her mouth open, smacking her food around. And she is contantly eating 'squishy' things like oranges and 'crunchy' things like apples and cookies and sucking on suckers. Who sucks on suckers - besides kids, 20 something chicks trying to be sexy, and ex-smokers? LWITW, that's who. It makes my skin crawl, I imagine that on the other side of the partition is a woman sucking the internal organs out of a chipmunk...because that is exactly what it sounds like to me.
I hope you pass the mustard today.
Monday, December 22, 2008
Holiday Mish-Mash
We went to Handel's Messiah on Saturday night at the Kennedy Center. The music was amazing, however we left at intermission...3 hours of music in a warm theater with old people passing gas was just a little too much for us...
I'm having a holiday party on Friday (maybe you've heard, it's the must-attend party of the season...) and I'll try to bring the camera out. I'm getting a trim on my unruly hair on Wednesday (took the day off, yay for a 2 day work week!) because at this point my hair and I are disagreeing on everything. It wants to flip out, I want it to flip under, so apparently we compromised and one side flips outward and the other sits right and flips under. Did that even make sense?
We exchanged gifts early this year, the husband is working through the morning of the 26th. I got J a fish tank that now weighs approximately 300 lbs and has 10 goldfish in it as test subjects for the water quality. J was like, you know - people treat fish differently than other pets. No one would buy 10 kittens to see if they all survived. I would, but that's another story for another day that involves Texas puppy and kitten hunting. I feel badly about the fish though, and if they survive I would like to bring them back to the store so they can find a new home. I don't expect a refund - they were 10/$1.00 anyway, poor things are basically food for other fish. But from what the super cool fish store guy told me, keeping them is not an option, they will make the tank dirty. Yuck.
My wedding anniversary was yesterday. 4 years! Only 6 more until we go through crisis and start having affairs with college students. Happy Anniversary sweetie, if you read this!
Happy Holidays all!
I'm having a holiday party on Friday (maybe you've heard, it's the must-attend party of the season...) and I'll try to bring the camera out. I'm getting a trim on my unruly hair on Wednesday (took the day off, yay for a 2 day work week!) because at this point my hair and I are disagreeing on everything. It wants to flip out, I want it to flip under, so apparently we compromised and one side flips outward and the other sits right and flips under. Did that even make sense?
We exchanged gifts early this year, the husband is working through the morning of the 26th. I got J a fish tank that now weighs approximately 300 lbs and has 10 goldfish in it as test subjects for the water quality. J was like, you know - people treat fish differently than other pets. No one would buy 10 kittens to see if they all survived. I would, but that's another story for another day that involves Texas puppy and kitten hunting. I feel badly about the fish though, and if they survive I would like to bring them back to the store so they can find a new home. I don't expect a refund - they were 10/$1.00 anyway, poor things are basically food for other fish. But from what the super cool fish store guy told me, keeping them is not an option, they will make the tank dirty. Yuck.
My wedding anniversary was yesterday. 4 years! Only 6 more until we go through crisis and start having affairs with college students. Happy Anniversary sweetie, if you read this!
Happy Holidays all!
Wednesday, December 10, 2008
Drifting
Lately I've been drifting...I am drifting away from people, drifting through life, drifting and just going where the world steers me. I don't think this is what I want...and it's certainly not what I had in mind for my future. And it has made me depressed - and I don't have much to look forward to these days. Even the weekends are all the same, boring and unfulfilling - and isn't that the time that is supposed to make the work week seem worthwhile?
So let's make a list of what I can do to regain control:
~Assert independance. I was always a very independant person growing up, I never listened to anyone - and did what I wanted to do, sometimes it was the right choice, and sometimes it most definitely was not. So I need to regain that control in my life. I'm not a 'we' person, and somehow I became one. What the heck happened to me?
~Work out. Yup, it seems like an old-as-time patch to any of life's problems, but I feel that working out really does help me feel stronger inside as well as out. I need to get back into that! Lately I've been putting it off because I have limited time at home with my long work days - but I think I should go to the gym instead sitting at home from 6:00 on and doing nothing.
~Enroll in classes. I need to get working on my degree again. It's true that my job is far from my dream job, and my degree is certainly not my dream degree. But I need something - and then maybe I can go on to do something else. (Like a master's in something I actually want to do...)
~Volunteer. I think I want to start volunteering, preferrably with an organization that I can attach with. I'm thinking the humane society...but I'm undecided and need to do some research.
I think that's enough for now - it's a pretty hefty list and I need to get started on it, and nothing changes over night. I'm tired of drifting and being 'blah' all the time. I need to re-energize, re-charge and become who I want to be instead of just being this boring run of the mill person. I want more...and I need to work for it. And maybe by starting on at least some of these things, opportunities will appear that will help me on my journey. Maybe a service trip, maybe a career in helping people, maybe a life somewhere else. Who knows? Maybe I will not get any of these things - but the life I have now will begin to become more of what I want and less of what I now realize I don't want.
So let's make a list of what I can do to regain control:
~Assert independance. I was always a very independant person growing up, I never listened to anyone - and did what I wanted to do, sometimes it was the right choice, and sometimes it most definitely was not. So I need to regain that control in my life. I'm not a 'we' person, and somehow I became one. What the heck happened to me?
~Work out. Yup, it seems like an old-as-time patch to any of life's problems, but I feel that working out really does help me feel stronger inside as well as out. I need to get back into that! Lately I've been putting it off because I have limited time at home with my long work days - but I think I should go to the gym instead sitting at home from 6:00 on and doing nothing.
~Enroll in classes. I need to get working on my degree again. It's true that my job is far from my dream job, and my degree is certainly not my dream degree. But I need something - and then maybe I can go on to do something else. (Like a master's in something I actually want to do...)
~Volunteer. I think I want to start volunteering, preferrably with an organization that I can attach with. I'm thinking the humane society...but I'm undecided and need to do some research.
I think that's enough for now - it's a pretty hefty list and I need to get started on it, and nothing changes over night. I'm tired of drifting and being 'blah' all the time. I need to re-energize, re-charge and become who I want to be instead of just being this boring run of the mill person. I want more...and I need to work for it. And maybe by starting on at least some of these things, opportunities will appear that will help me on my journey. Maybe a service trip, maybe a career in helping people, maybe a life somewhere else. Who knows? Maybe I will not get any of these things - but the life I have now will begin to become more of what I want and less of what I now realize I don't want.
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